New Age Aunt Agony. Deviant. Philosophical. Undead (Vampire).

When you have died emotionally & returned alive, what doesn’t kills you makes you stronger and in fact, you are a vampire – Yunhaier Important Notice
1. To rework blogging schedule by end 2011.

After yesterday's trip at Kinokuniya, I finally found it. Was struggling to decide if I should order online.



Choice Theory Reality Therapy has always been my main form of clinical intervention with clients and Dr William Glasser, my great grand grandmaster mentor is da bomb of this century. He is still alive and Evelyn just went over to States recently to visit him.

And the book writes:

"Nothing has harmed the quality of individual life in modern society more than the misbegotten belief that human suffering is driven by biological and genetic causes and can be rectified by taking drugs or undergoing electroshock therapy."

:)

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Just came back from Phuket; an extremely crucial break for me before I embark on my grand project to service elderly folks in the community.

And as I looked back into my lifespan thus far; it's interesting to note how 'I' have evolved: starting from the point where I dabbled in astrology and its related initial influence of Jung and Freud's nonsense, until the part where I fell in love with philosophy.

Sometimes people asked me where did I get all that understanding from. Frankly, I don't have answers to that question because I find myself perpetually a student. I don't, in fact, get all that understanding, which ironically made me realized the point about the more I know - the more I don't.


I have seen years of relationship crumbling down into a pile of painful sand overnight. Like my title suggested, the more they think that they understand about their relationship - the more they don't.

So... how well do you understand about your own relationship? :)

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Originally posted by 0petslave0:


I'm with a lady 3 years older than my age. Noting wrong, on my own perspective . This is not all, she's a lady with a 2 year old daughter. Under the law on the paper, she is now still lawfully wedded to the now seperated husband. 


Her husband haven't play his role as her husband. During her preganacy, he was out fooling around, getting into another affair, but theres more to come. he hurt her physically, and mentally. Prohitting her from even going downstairs to get food, offering punishment like extingusihing cig butt on her forearm , licking the sole of his shoes at public, and boy there is more you guys could think of. more terrible deeds, stuff that is agains't humans rights. stuff that is inhuman to even think about. Eventually, she left her, physically , but no when the law is in concern.


She was now proceeding with the dirvorcee , in singapore law , until your marriage hits a 3 year mark then can you proceed. We consulted a lawyer and we could actually file for one due to his unreasonable bad behaviour and affair.


Here comes the problem. the child.


I personally really try my best to look at her as my own. I did. i could, reason being because she is just 2 years old. At times i couldn't. when i look upon her, i see that guy, who cause so much hurt to the lady i love. things that no one could even imagine. 


My family is agains't of my relationship with a dircocee , i went against everything, my mom my friends, everything. I'm always comparing between how she treated her husband as to myself. She endure everything and whereras when we quarrel she would not even give in at all, childish i now, but i really wish i know how to act or behave in a relationship. Just yesterday, we went to the cofeeshop for supper, there he is sitting just right infront of us. At that moment, i heart sank and i wish to plant a few punches on his face. We just shifted our table far away from him. 


Sometimes i wonder, he doesn't have to do a single thing in taking care of the baby and there he is, sitting under the far drinking happily with his friends, and here i am having to endure all the cries from the baby, taking care of her, paying for her daily expenses. So many activities i got to cancel due to the baby . I'm trying to juggle how my views is headed and how i should handle this problem in a right manner.


I've been poundering many times what i should do . I always felt my lady love her husband more and would even scarafice everything for him. Whenever we quarrel she would just debate and hit back with words. I always felt her affection towards her husband is far more than me. up till today. i guess i'm constantly comparing.


I really want to make things work between the two of us. I would really appreciate some advice on this matter. 


I love her i do, but i really just need to know what i should do. it wasn't easy, but i just need what to do. but recently, we are constantly quarreling so often. almost everyday. and the child is driving us crazy at times. 


Somtimes, i'm tranforming myself into the behavior of her husband. unreasonable, stubborn. it isn't me but i don't know what happening.


I thank you for all the advice i will be receving in advance. May god bless.



In a nutshell, there are two distinct issues; (1) of your relationship & (2) of the prospect of child rearing.

(1) Damsel in distress can be a tricky affair, especially the part where it could fuel the man's sense of power and identity by playing the role of the 'Prince'. However, the finest print clauses that are not commonly understood but are unfortunately accompanied by one of these circumstances - is the history leading to these wistful stories.

You could easily be deem as the 'one' that saved her - but like a double edge sword, you could also act as a substitute or serve as a rebound for her to acquire some degree of comfort and other safety needs. How much romantic love is involved is probably as elusive as quantum physics; the fact is that you will never know how much of those are love and/or calculated needs.

Therefore, this mental fissure naturally arises, which brings about (2) - you subconsciously expect the relationship to be between two, but in reality, it is among three. Surely, the grandiose image of love having to save your woman from a terrible marriage does seem to project the all-familiar plot of having forces of good to battle the great evil; if we were to concretize this picture, the daft reality would simply be co-dependence and mutual fulfillment of needs (e.g. financial, social, sexual and emotional).

Put it this way: nobody enters into a relationship devoid of needs; on the contrary, you are in a relationship because you have certain needs to be fulfilled and that you are getting something out of it. The dissonance only start to deepen if you are not getting what you expected to receive in values.

You seem to relate the seemingly lack of emotional connection and priority in her life towards you. Surely, it can be rather disheartening to 'sacrifice' so much for the relationship on your end (e.g. running into conflicts with parents, financial aids, childcare roles, etc) - that is probably where you get sore.

P.S: I suggest that you sought counselling services to help the both of you sort out various relational issue. You can PM me if you need contacts - if not, you can simply refer to some of the contacts we have listed in Aunt Agony.

Cheers

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Labels: Piece of Cloud

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I find it amusing when I read about the busted online prostitute ring started by Tang Boon Thiew and the scores of men being hauled into court and charged for having sex with this underage girl. As she is considered a minor by law, her identity cannot be revealed. Which is why you have a bunch of guys going to court and being charged for 'something that cannot be revealed' (what an irony).

Then you have criminal lawyer Subhas Anandan retorting: “How is anybody going to know what he is charged for when you don’t know who the girl is, and what her age is? Who are they trying to protect? As far as I am concerned, this girl does not deserve protection as she is a HARDCORE PROSTITUTE who got so many men into trouble”

Temasek Review had a poll, asking if the identity of the girl be exposed. Interestingly, at this moment: about 83% said "Yes; she deserves to be shamed publicly to send a warning to others", while 17% felt that "she is still young and deserves to be protected."

If we look at this issue from a sociological perspective, the value of the woman who prostitutes herself will be, very much often, slammed with a worst rating than men who paid for sex. If we analysis the result of this informal poll, it does seem to reveal an insidious subtle suggestion that it is 'normal' for guys to sleep around (even if it is paid sex), but an ignominy for woman to do likewise - with a significant number of  women also endorsing this perspective interestingly.

How is it so?

Our society is still largely a patriarchal one, therefore the mores of society does seemed to gear towards one that fit into the above scheme of thoughts. There is an unequal power in society and that would generally determine the major value of society.

   
Think about this in a relationship context - if a man is caught sleeping with a female prostitute and a woman caught sleeping with a male prostitute, what do you think is different? :)

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Originally posted by farnee:

Actually we have know each other for 1 yr (we work under the same project) and together for 6mths.  I can't say we don't totally understand each other just not that deep enough. He proposed to me that we would tie the knot on next year which make up to be our 1 yr courtship and i agreed. We even booked our honeymood and bridal pkg. But suddenly everything changes so fast.. i am lost.  During the phase of preparation he seems to be very happy and enjoying the process.  I don't understand.  (As well on last month my mother was hospitalise due to an car accident and was semi paralyze - likely to recover after theraphy)  I was quite stress out and perhaps shown my flaw side of stubborn and impatient side of me and he couldn't take that. 

I do not mind going thru the patience to wait for him to gradually move up to maturity in love. But i need to know how to deal with him.  He is acting like normal nothing happen infront of everyone. I am hurt this way.  the surrounding knew what is happening.  Everyone of his friend told me he is stubborn and he will think through and come back.  But i am not sure if he will.

How can i help him to come back ?  And yet doesn't give him the stress that i am wanting him back. Coz he told me straight on my face during broke off, he doesn't want me to wait and he might not come back.  He felt our characters are too stubborn and to be together will be v tired.  But i think he doesn't know to be together we need to compromise, having the inconvenience of needing to communicate etc... He mentioned he still love me very much, infact he tears .. sigh...



Our expectation of wanting to settle down is a greater good ideal that most people generally desire; unfortunately, the pace of love works independently of whether we think when it is 'rationally' good to settle down from a logical perspective. Biologically, he has slightly passed the norm age of intimacy (where relationship concerns form a significant consideration aspect of that lifespan), hence, he would naturally have to 'make up' the 'lost lessons' he failed to gain adequate mastery in his past experience, which broadly includes what I termed in my book as the Four Elements of Relationship: mutual lifestyle, communication, financial/security management and emotional connection. 

In the world of our emotional mind, it is highly complex and sometimes, it does not corroborate with our flow of logic. I can see that it can be very disheartening, confusing and discouraging to witness how he claims to still love you, but acts in a direct opposite way.

Our definition of love first sparks the direction of how we view love in our perceived world. The tiles that built upon this definition is constantly adjusted by our experience and interaction with our partners, discarding what was not helpful and keeping those that allows harmony and equilibrium. Problem lies when we choose to keep too many of the tiles we see as our individual nature and refusing to budge. The truth is that we only need to keep the main ones that openly define who we are - the immutable ones. The 'many others' actually allows room for negotiation - if that is what he/you wants.

For example, he claims that both of you are 'stubborn'. Is that an individual nature that strictly defines who you both are in a positive way? Like I am a stubborn person and I want to keep that? Probably not. Then it is probably something that is negotiable and open for evolvement.

Hence, the million dollar questions: mutually, do the both of you willing to work on it to keep the relationship or choose to discard it away just because of something that is open for negotiation?

P.S: Like I said in my previous post, it can be very trying to love someone who has not gain adequate mastery of love relationship in his/her earlier years. They have been fed with years of individualism - where they are so used in managing themselves, the freedom and all that verses the prospect of now having to compromise that space with someone else.

Is he humble enough to accept the cosmic lessons of love? Or is the 'I' more important than 'We'?

Cheers

Labels: Aunt Agony, Cloudism

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Originally posted by farnee:

How can i win a stubborn ex boyfriend back ?

Basically i have just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 months, and i am his first love after 40 years of his singlehood. The reason he had presented to me for breaking off were communication problem, he find it hard to communicate with me.

Even i am willing to sit down and discuss how we can resolve the problem. I have even try to explain that every relationship has their up and down even quarrels but we need to communicate when things happen. But he is refusing to talk but chosen to broke off. He insist his way in shutting me out of his life making no contact with me saying he doesn't want to give me a chance to be his normal friend and to walk into his life again because not he don't love me but he find us not possible to love again. Yet he confessed he still have 60% of feeling for me it's just to go thru the relationship again he felt tired.

After 1 week of cooling period after broke off, we meet this afternoon during weekly event, when he saw me he tried to smile to me but i ignore him thrice. By right he is suppose to attend a meeting in the afternoon, suddenly he leave the event after lunch.


I like to know how do you guys feel when you ignore your ex GF, and when your GF ignore you back.. What is in your brain and thinking what.. will you have major wish to have her back ? ( Those relationship website, said ignore him will make him want us back) how true was that ?

He is 45 years and i am his first love. I thought he should be very much cherishing me ? Sigh..


Our chronological age has little to do with our maturity and learnings in love. In fact, if the scale of love was measured, he is probably at the stage akin to a teenager's first brush with love.

The fact is that some people intentionally avoid the 'cosmic lesson in love'; they may appear or express certain wanting to have a relationship or share a life with a significant someone, but the unconscious truth is that they are so used in living the skin of their own individualism insofar that any amount of 'self' sacrifice to the altar of love would tantamount to pure sacrilege.

Given the benefit of the doubt, still, his attempt to synchronize his theoretical understanding of what love is psychologically and his nascent love-filled emotional state would not be an easy process. Until the point where he decides to humble himself and realize that being in love means having the inconvenience of needing to communicate, empathize and to connect emotionally in a regular, effective way, there is no way on earth any love relationship is going to work for him.

If you feel that you don't have the patience for him to gradually move up the 'value chain' of maturity in love, it might prove to be a real struggle if you choose to keep the relationship. It might not be impossible, but definitely serious reconstruction effort.

Cheers

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The effect of Uranus: speed marriage.

Would you?

Read it from Straits Times: You can read more here

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Ms Hoo Yinjia and Mr Bryan Chua got engaged five months after they met.

To widen her social circle, Ms Hoo had signed up for a dating event organised by the Social Development Network last March. There, she and Mr Chua were attracted to each other and went on their first date the next weekend. Within two weeks, they became an item and marriage was soon on the cards.

Ms Hoo, 26, a customer service executive, never dated casually - she was always focused on marriage. 'My previous relationships, when I was around 20, did not work out even after we dated for about one year because we were still young and the men did not have similar life goals such as marriage and family. Bryan, on the other hand, wanted to have a family. He gave me a sense of security in our future together.'

After they dated for five months, Mr Chua, 30, an assistant manager at a non-profit organisation, proposed to her last August

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